 by Amy Fulfer
Those days always started so chaotic! I kept getting up earlier, but never, it seemed, early enough to make it peaceful. Being responsible for personal preparations before a morning deadline was never a problem before, but add two youngsters to the mix and everything changes.
On the morning in question, I got out of bed and hit the floor running. It seemed like I might actually make it to work on time this morning. At least it did until my daughter, while using the table as a bass drum, knocked her bowl of cheerios into her lap. “Oh Elyssa!” I groaned. “We don’t bang on the table while we’re eating.” The annoyance in my voice was unmistakable, even to a 2-year old. I scooped her up and went to change her clothes without any tenderness then rushed back to clean the spilled milk and cereal.
Ok, I said to myself. I won’t be terribly late, if we can just get out the door in the next minute. As I picked up my 7-month old to put him in the car seat, and I suddenly felt warm wetness spread across my left side. I stared at him. “You’ve got to be kidding me,” I said in disbelief. I didn’t return his toothless grin. I changed the diaper and his clothes and buckled him into his seat. “Wait for me,” I said, unnecessarily.
Looking into my closet, I was relieved to see that I did have a clean work shirt. I jammed my arms in and pulled it over my head and hurried, now very late, to the truck. I pulled out the granola bar, intending to scarf it down on the way, but I stopped at the words, “Mommy, I’m hungry.” Well, it made sense. She’d dumped her breakfast in her lap, so of course she’s still hungry. I sighed and handed the bar into the back seat. “Don’t make a mess with that!” I growled. She munched happily and said, “Thank you Mommy.” I muttered, “You’re welcome” in a very Grinchy voice. I was hungry and very, very late.
I worked at Funday School, the Mother’s Day Out program on Marvin Ave. We had a very pleasant work environment, but things weren’t so pleasant in my head. I rushed around my activities, still feeling stressed, rattled and hungry, but trying to hide it. In the gym, I bumped into the church's music minister. After a brief greeting, I headed down the hall where I noticed a young couple standing outside the locked side door. I opened it, answered a few questions and led them to the director's office, where I introduced the prospective parents. I then chatted with the custodian while preparing snacks for the classes. I checked with the two teachers that I worked with about the day’s activities. As I left the classroom, one of my friends came in, dropping off her son a little late, and stopped to say hello to me. When we got passed the "How-are-you-I'm-fine" she said, "Amy, your shirt's on backwards."
I looked down. Sure enough. It was glaringly obvious since we all wear uniform T-shirts. The church logo was now displayed over my right shoulder blade and the wide motto looked completely out of place on my chest. I was so embarrassed. I couldn't believe that I had redressed this way and never looked down to check myself. I was appalled to know that at least 7 other people had seen me like this.
It got me thinking. I wondered how often I walk through life, with my mind wrapped in my "to do" list, trying desperately to check off just a few more tasks, physically accomplishing some of what I should, but loosing sight of my purpose in doing it. How often do I walk around with my attitude on backwards?
Although the things that I'm doing are good, appropriate and necessary, I wondered if people (especially the 3 closest to me) are ever hurt by my attitude. I see in myself the tendency to respond to the stresses of life with a certain resentment toward anything or anyone who adds to my frustratingly never-ending to do list. I put so much value into achieving goals that it’s easy to forget the relationships that really matter, the sharing of life that doesn't make the list.
"Sit down and build a tower with my daughter. Lie on the floor and baby talk with my son. Put the kids in the wagon and go for a walk. Finger-paint. Make my husband's favorite desert after he's had a hard day. Why do these never make it on my to-do list?
There are times when things go wrong or I just can’t do everything. I don't want to spend the best part of my energy, emotions, & effort on less valuable endeavors and only have cold leftovers to spare for my making happy memories with my family. I don't want to rush past priceless opportunities just because I haven't put away the laundry, or let a normal childish mistake stop me from showing my children how much they mean to me. I have to choose to do the most important things, with a good attitude, and accept the things that I will not be able to get to.
For someone who thrives on the feeling of accomplishment, the cyclical nature of motherhood can be frustrating. The tasks I complete and mark off my list will have to be added back in a day--if not in just a few hours. For me, it is really necessary to make the conscious effort to do a little introspection every day and prioritize so that the little ones, especially, who watch me so closely and notice the shades of my mood, see my love for them in what I do. I don't want to wait for a moment of shame when someone finally tells me, "Amy, your attitude is on backwards," before I realize how many people I unknowingly hurt by my resentful feelings and go get it right. I especially want my family to see that they are my highest priority and closest to my heart--I want it to be obvious by an attitude that is on straight.
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